So today...it crept in. That tiny speck. Not sure if it was a sound or a thought or a vision. But it had a presence of sorts.
A want. A dream. A hope. Scary to even say or think it out loud.

I want more.

Since as long as I can remember, I have walked around the house of Shari closing doors. Some doors that should have been shut, in my eyes- doors that seemed too conventional or not interesting and didn't represent who I am/was. Yet I closed other doors as well-doors that seemed too scary, too daring, too real. Doors that meant stepping into rooms that could have changed the route I was autopiloting on or perhaps even a door out...from the whole game. Ohhh a door out. Sounds heavenly. Yet all this time an inch to the left or right was not available because I made choices a long time ago and I have a responsibility to stand by them and live my life a certain way because of those choices. Can anyone else feel them choking me????

So these past few years with the momentum of a freight train, I cranked open lots of creaky doors. Cleared away tons of garbage. Carted away old suits worn by alter egos, shoes I walked other lives in, hats I wore in lots of plays.

Now the naked Empress stands.....and she wants more.

I want to be happy. I want to feel fulfilled. I want to feel proud. I want to feel love. I want to feel alive. Does that all really exist? Not just in the movies? I actually think I'd like to die trying to find out.

And that tiny speck had me crying buckets. Because to me, wanting and dreaming is scarier than not wanting or feeling anything. Now I've got to get up and go- to fall and fail and get up again. And maybe all my momentum is gone.....or maybe I'm too afraid of bothering. I didn't want to want anything. But this isn't living either. Where's the proverbial cover to pull over my head? Anyone? Please?

I have learned alot in my life by following rules and playing a role quite well what it is I do not want. I have yet learned in life or from life rather...what I do want. Or honestly, what life wants from me or for me.

So Life- whatcha got for little old me? And what should I wear to my ball?
Can it have polka dots? Please?