Made it to the sea....herculean feat right now I'm actually amazed I did it.
While trying to relax on the plane, I casually gazed out of the window. I watched the sunrise through long stripes of clouds as the sky turned every color of the rainbow. I watched cloud formations dance and move amongst each other, some standing straight up, some intertwined horizontally as they filled the space between the sea and the sky. I thought about how those clouds must view us down here. Tootling along looking like ants busy in the tiny toy cars through zigzagging streets and buildings. Looks so frivolous from 20,000 feet in the air. Does any of that busyness we fill our days with actually matter? When on the ground, it's all so encompassing and 'important'. Pecking orders and tasks and deadlines and have tos before want tos. From up in that plane, I gained an understanding of why G-d laughs all day- we look ridiculous! We do plan and strategize honestly to make us feel like we have control...when in truth, we have NONE.

As we approached our destination, we flew through massive dark rain clouds. Was incredible to see the shadow it cast over the mini houses and pools and malls and streets, saying, watch out people you are about to get soaked! I then thought about the people looking up- ugh, such a cloudy ominous sky today, they'd say. Yet what we all forget is what is above those dark clouds. The sun was shining bright and happy on top of those rain clouds and a few miles in every direction around. But we only focus on what's right above, don't we? What if in the dark moments I could remember the clouds move at the pace they are meant to and the sun is still right where it always is but from my vantage point in that moment, I can't see it. The dark comes just as light comes but it is all always just moving through....so if it doesn't stay stuck, why do I?

Down Day

One of the downsides of living life as a human roller coaster...is the roller coaster part. Yesterday's blog post gave me a perspective a little distance with which to see and a framework of a plan. I felt good and strong and even ate a sandwich. Then I crashed.
Today gave me the opposite. I succumbed to the blahness. I stayed in bed, breathing when
I remembered to, crying automatically, playing all the scenes in my head like a movie. A Creative mind is enviable by many, but when it's yours, it runs all on its own. Titled Whatifs.....what if it doesn't work out? What if he's going backwards out of guilt and fear into a vortex he knows doesn't work or help anyone? It is a scary time. I get that. What if the upside down decisions box us out completely. What if what I don't want to look at is that I already lost him and I'm holding on to what isn't there anymore? Where does the faith, trust and patience start to kick in? I'm in desperate need of those right now. Imaginary life is not what I'm hoping for. Yet how do I walk away from what I know is the best thing wrapped in a bow for both of us? Does silence mean something different for him than it does to me? Did he really forget? Can he really set that aside? No one knows better than me what fear can do to your cIear vision. Yet I can't be the only one fighting for us to survive...yet plain and simply, right now I am. Not looking like a sandwich kind of evening.....Notice how Shari's growth wasn't mentioned today? Hmmmm things to ponder.

  While I was tempted to start a new blog entirely, given the passage of time (yet more importantly what feels like the passage of many lives) since my last post....I decided right here is where I need to pick up my proverbial dusty pen and begin again.  So much of my journey is a spiraling- revisiting the same haunted spaces, yet with slightly different vantage points still trying to learn the lesson I'm being shown but still can't see, so it seems befitting to continue where I left off....
  This go around, I'm too tired for the fluff- sorry, I know my fluff is generally entertaining yet I've learned it's the curtain I hide behind, sooooo you are getting the raw naked deal now. Time to heal. Time to push through the still ever present tears and fears and pit in my stomach- it is really getting old to be afraid of oneself and one's demons in the closet. Some days I bet there isn't even anything in the closet anymore, but I'm so used to being afraid it is just easier to hit repeat than find a new song.

Ok, blah blah LOTS has happened. I fell in love a couple of times, with different people in different ways for different parts of me for different things I needed at the time. Quite interesting to experience your teens and 20s and half of your 30s in the span of just a couple of years. Exhilirating, exhausting, fun as hell and left me totally depleted (A Shari experience personified). All very necessary and all very scary for my friends who had front row seats, yet I wouldn't change a day. I needed each one of them.

And then I met...the one. THE. ONE. While the ride is a tad bumpy at the moment, I believe with all of my heart that as bumped and bruised as he (and I) are, G-d dumped my prince on my lap in the strangest of ways...of course He did, He knew it would be the only way I'd slow my crazy train down long enough to notice. And boy did I notice. A whirlwind stripping of all of my jadedness, disbelief, disinterest- I turned instantly into one of 'those' people who daydreamed outloud with my One about growing old, wearing matching tshirts, and holding hands while laughing and kissing for the rest of our lives. Ewwww, I know- I'd be the first one to scream it. G-d shut me up but GOOD. Humbled and blessed, I savored and drank in every single minute. Never taking it for granted, never doubting (huh, you say?? Shari doubts doubt!) I trusted and believed and surrendered happily. And so did he.

I was hoping I finally was getting to the good chapters of my story and was prepping to coast for a bit. But, as per usual, man plans and G-d laughs. His holy ass off, pardon my French. The One has some healing and processing and growing to do, as he tumbled out of his old life, stood up, looked around and while holding my hand still, announced suddenly- holy crap, who what where how and now what? Very necessary series of questions, ones I remember well myself.....Silly me thought given that we were holding hands and madly in love, The One might have gotten a free pass to the hard sticky painful parts of the building a new life since I was there to help decorate, process and cuddle. But alas, The One needs to do it on his own. And sense his own power and strength. And heal from things he never knew burned him so badly for all of that time. So The One seems to have dropped my hand at the moment. For those of you who know me, I don't do dropped hands well. At All. Especially when it's the first hand I've ever trusted. Whoa. NOT COOL and slightly earth shattering. I was floored. We have a plan and it's working. And we love like no other. And I see light for the first time and hope. And now my hand is invisible since He dropped it! Along with the rest of me!
So now we stand...distance feeling farther and farther by the minute. Because, ironically, (not really as G-d laughs) The One has embarked on the journey Miss Shari has tried to avoid for 38 and 3/4 years......stand independently. Feel your own power. Sense your own self love. Become whole so then you can truly move forward. Cmonnnnnnn....didn't I dance around this enough to have kinda passed this class? Apparently not. So now I stand in a place of absolute terror with The One so close but so far, facing the unknown of what will be all while finally seeing- Shar, it's time to surrender, blow open all the dark corners, clean it all out and finally be you. Not using The One's kind eyes, but using my own eyes. Answer that inner child who hates herself, who knows you are all wrong when you say Shari can do anything- Shari can't do crap.
We have hit all time lows, people. Pills, bed, no food, no drink, a blink or two if I have to. I am paralyzed. And guess where I turned.....well, by default as my blackberry that has buzzed every second for a very long time suddenly was silenced.....my faith has started to return. I hate to say it, but I'm doing all open and honest this time, I had no one else to talk to. My friends can only hear me for so much (understandable) and I can only tolerate my own voice for even less than that (also understandable). So....Hashem? Knock, knock. Remember me?? I know You do because I wholeheartedly believe You, Mr All knowing, knew the only way to get me to turn back to you was to hit me where it hurts- my heart. A heart that once belonged to you that got trampled on by lots of bad things so yes, my faith got thrown out with the court papers. And I humbly apologize for that. But Dude- I need Your help. I want a real, whole life. Not a segmented one with my amazing boys who many times feel like they just guest star in my reality show because of the schedule and their father. I will fight for my life this time. I will grow and change and persevere not because I reallly get it this time, but BECAUSE I HAVE NO CHOICE THIS TIME. I better learn these lessons this round and blossom out of this hole because I don't believe I have another shot. So I pray for me, I pray for The One, I pray for our kids and I am crossing all fingers and toes that it will matter.
This time failure or hiding ain't options.
I want to heal and be strong and be who I was supposed to be at 5 but never became. And find passion for work and drive to succeed and raise my kids and help The One raise his own as well as support him through his journey, because while he may feel alone, there is no doubt the Grandmas and G-d are watching with popcorn to see how long it takes us to fumble out of our corners and as whole people, right back into each other's arms...dancing to Rihanna of course. Funny, it had to take a gorgeous blue eyed dimpled man for me to bother looking at myself. I'm slightly pissed, brutally hurt and forever indebited to my One for shlepping me through the trenches because what's gotta get down needs to get done NOW.
here we go.......

So today...it crept in. That tiny speck. Not sure if it was a sound or a thought or a vision. But it had a presence of sorts.
A want. A dream. A hope. Scary to even say or think it out loud.

I want more.

Since as long as I can remember, I have walked around the house of Shari closing doors. Some doors that should have been shut, in my eyes- doors that seemed too conventional or not interesting and didn't represent who I am/was. Yet I closed other doors as well-doors that seemed too scary, too daring, too real. Doors that meant stepping into rooms that could have changed the route I was autopiloting on or perhaps even a door out...from the whole game. Ohhh a door out. Sounds heavenly. Yet all this time an inch to the left or right was not available because I made choices a long time ago and I have a responsibility to stand by them and live my life a certain way because of those choices. Can anyone else feel them choking me????

So these past few years with the momentum of a freight train, I cranked open lots of creaky doors. Cleared away tons of garbage. Carted away old suits worn by alter egos, shoes I walked other lives in, hats I wore in lots of plays.

Now the naked Empress stands.....and she wants more.

I want to be happy. I want to feel fulfilled. I want to feel proud. I want to feel love. I want to feel alive. Does that all really exist? Not just in the movies? I actually think I'd like to die trying to find out.

And that tiny speck had me crying buckets. Because to me, wanting and dreaming is scarier than not wanting or feeling anything. Now I've got to get up and go- to fall and fail and get up again. And maybe all my momentum is gone.....or maybe I'm too afraid of bothering. I didn't want to want anything. But this isn't living either. Where's the proverbial cover to pull over my head? Anyone? Please?

I have learned alot in my life by following rules and playing a role quite well what it is I do not want. I have yet learned in life or from life rather...what I do want. Or honestly, what life wants from me or for me.

So Life- whatcha got for little old me? And what should I wear to my ball?
Can it have polka dots? Please?

Mmmmm......welcome back. Been a bumpy patch. Details don't matter- I won't add more chapters to the book. It's time to start clearing the bookshelf. More about that later.

The past 6 months. Lessons. Pain. Nose against the window. Sharpness of reality. The box closing in tighter and tighter. Alot of fear. The whys, hows, wheres and whens fell away and I was left with OUCH. And I cannot seem to shake that ouchiness. Too pokey. Too deep. So tools I didn't want to turn to became the only choice I could see- which seemed like another failure because I couldn't beat the darkness.
Each time I muster up enough momentum to try to scale my perceived wall, I end up in my puddle again.

Today...a bit of a ray. A different view. An alternate perspective that I hope to use as a key.
Picture, if you will, an old library. The sort you'd see in a stately British estate. Wood bookshelves, carved woodwork, rows of books with ornate bindings. Dark colors- stuffy and boring, if you ask me.
At a closer glance, each book has a title.
Each title is one of my stories. By stories I don't mean a tale. By story I mean a memory line. An identity, a 'hat', a pair of glasses I wear or have wore at different points in my life that defined me.
See, for me....there is no ME. I'm just which book I pick that day. Am I the little girl who couldn't open her apple juice can, or am I the bubbly cheerleader. Am I the victim Mommy or the frustrated artist....the PTO mom or the girl who loves to dance on tables. So many books, so many stories whose chapters keep growing for the mere fact that survival has meant the morning must begin with choosing a book.
The books don't fit, the titles don't work, but if I don't pick one in the morning, I am invisible.

But today. Today, one of my special angels, D, ( because she would kill me for using her name :), showed me something interesting. The books feel like leashes to me. But the books are just that...paper made from bark. Bark that disintegrates. So each book comes off the shelf and one by one, the pages fray, the words fade, the binding split and the books slowly melt away....leaving empty spots on a bookshelf.
But wait.....what's this??
If you push on that heavy, wood stuffy bookcase- the bookcase wall opens and spins!!
And behind----is my lost imagination. My world of whimsy I locked away so long ago. The little girl's world where all was available and each day held endless possiblity. Yesterday's disappointments or sadness was just that...yesterdays. No stories built upon them. There is always today and now. And there is space and air. So which way do I choose to turn today? What will I try? What can I be? Each moment doesn't have to be built on another...they are just free standing because they come from an "I".
I see colors and polka dots. I see Alice in Wonderland, Willy Wonka, Mackenzie Childs- patterns, shapes, sizes, textures.
And now I finally understand where my inspiration for my work comes from...even where it takes me days to eek out one piece from the depth of my darkness.

Pretty cool, eh?

today's song

All about the journey. If you end up in the right place, but don't know how you got there...then it wasn't YOUR right place....yet....

Let Me Be Myself 3 Doors Down

I guess I just got lost being someone else,
I tried to kill the pain
But nothing ever helped
I left myself behind
Somewhere along the way
Hoping to come back around
and find myself some day

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's OK, tell me please
Would you one time,
Let Me Be Myself
So I can shine,
with my own light
Let Me Be Myself

Would you Let Me Be Myself
Coz I'll never find my heart
Behind someone else
I'll never see the light of day
Living in this cell
It's time to make my way
Into the world I knew
And take back all of these times
That I gave in to you

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you
To say that it's OK, tell me please
Would you one time,
Let Me Be Myself
So I can shine,
with my own light
Let Me Be Myself,
For a while
If you don't mind,
Let Me Be Myself
So I can shine,
with my own light
Let Me Be Myself

That's all I ever wanted from this world
Was to let me be me..

Please, would you one time,
Let Me Be Myself
So I can shine,
with my own light
Let Me Be Myself
Please, would you one time,
Let Me Be Myself
So I can shine,
with my own light
Let Me Be Myself,
For a while
If you don't mind,
Let Me Be Myself
So I can shine,
with my own light
Let Me Be Myself

Balance

The power we give our words.

The spin we put on our life occurrences and perceptions with the language we choose to describe them.

We throw out words..

nouns, verbs, adjectives that lock us in unknowingly to continue our groundhog day.

For example 

BALANCE.

In our culture, balance is something we try to achieve by spinning our plates so nothing falls. Ensuring that all of our dysfunction looks tidy and organized into a certain acceptable package. 

Yet true balance...

is using those emotions and challenges to catapult us out of stuckness.

 No repackaging.

 Letting it rise up and move through. 

To use our ups and downs, our highs and lows as wake up calls to bring us back to center. 

Another fave

UNRAVELING

An idea that frightens us to our core.

 Our facades are cracking..

we are losing it...

we can't do it anymore....

Unraveling is the greatest gift I found.

Unraveling finally means finally taking it all down. 

All those years of leaning to the left, ducking to the right to stay stuck and in pain so no one could see me.

 Safe sweet spots that hurt.

A final unwinding of those layers of veils and labels that defined me 

layers from judgements, fear, mistakes, pain and an endless search.

The unraveling, with all its pain, reveals the true self.

clean and pure...

that has been quietly waiting to be revealed..

all this time...

And on the floor I step out from the old suit I no longer need..

peer over my shoulder

smile gently at the floor.

A deep breath

 I walk forward whistling a happy tune

into that vast empty space waiting for the real ME to fill it