One of the downsides of living life as a human roller coaster...is the roller coaster part. Yesterday's blog post gave me a perspective a little distance with which to see and a framework of a plan. I felt good and strong and even ate a sandwich. Then I crashed.
Today gave me the opposite. I succumbed to the blahness. I stayed in bed, breathing when
I remembered to, crying automatically, playing all the scenes in my head like a movie. A Creative mind is enviable by many, but when it's yours, it runs all on its own. Titled Whatifs.....what if it doesn't work out? What if he's going backwards out of guilt and fear into a vortex he knows doesn't work or help anyone? It is a scary time. I get that. What if the upside down decisions box us out completely. What if what I don't want to look at is that I already lost him and I'm holding on to what isn't there anymore? Where does the faith, trust and patience start to kick in? I'm in desperate need of those right now. Imaginary life is not what I'm hoping for. Yet how do I walk away from what I know is the best thing wrapped in a bow for both of us? Does silence mean something different for him than it does to me? Did he really forget? Can he really set that aside? No one knows better than me what fear can do to your cIear vision. Yet I can't be the only one fighting for us to survive...yet plain and simply, right now I am. Not looking like a sandwich kind of evening.....Notice how Shari's growth wasn't mentioned today? Hmmmm things to ponder.
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